Tonight I’m anxious.
But I’m happy too, in a really weird way. Like I’m safe in the knowledge that I haven’t made things worse for myself, and I’m not going to. I’m not escaping from my feelings. Just letting them be as long as they need to, and I’ll manage whatever happens.
It often takes me a while to realise that the indescribable sensation in my body is actually anxiety. When I do, I instantly feel calmer. When I know, when I’ve given it a name, I don’t even fear the anxiety attack that might come. Because it won’t kill me, and it won’t change my life. It’ll just be horrendously uncomfortable for an hour or two.
Before I realise it, though… I feel slightly crazy. Out of time, out of the world. Like I don’t belong in life, because life shouldn’t feel so insane, it shouldn’t feel so chaotic and messy. There’s too many thoughts and too few guidelines for what to do with them. I don’t know what to do with the thoughts or with myself. So I just wander restlessly around the apartment, looking for a way to make my mind sit down. It always feels like my mind needs to rest, but I find no ways of making it relax.
Mostly I just write. It doesn’t feel good, but it’s the only way I get to feel slightly in control of what’s happening to me. Oddly I tend to get stuck on my ambitions about blogging, writing out the many worries and problems I have with it, all the while feeling like something is trapped and trying to seep through my body.
Anxiety really is an unpleasant experience. But it’s not the end of the world. Books taught me that, and experience. Having lived with anxiety for so many years now, I hardly react to it anymore. At least not compared to how mind-bendingly shit scared I was of it when I was younger. Several times I thought I was going insane.
It feels good to write about it now, though. Just to throw out there that there is a place where you can feel almost comfortable with anxiety. I haven’t eaten much today, nor showered or really done any of the many things I felt I should do, but that’s okay. I’m home alone, it’s night and I’ll be making myself something shortly.
I’m anxious, but I’m alright.