I’ve had a lot of ideas for blog posts lately, just not for this blog. When I started it I was so excited at the thought of finally having a never-ending reserve of things to write about, because I’m always having troubles with writing. But then I realised something.
Writing about things I should be doing only distracts me from actually doing them.
This, of course, includes writing. It hit me today when I was sitting on the balcony, writing in my journal (which I update regularly). Today is Saturday, and I was really enjoying a sense of freedom from having the whole weekend ahead of me, and filling it with things I want to do. Though I also felt like I should exercise and write something other than a journal entry, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
So I wrote about it. What’s the problem? Why don’t I want to write and exercise? Which precise thoughts are causing me to not want to do it? On and on it went, and I felt more and more lost, until I started feeling just a hint of crazy. How can you write about things you want to do until you want to do them?
You can’t. At least I can’t.
I don’t want to write and exercise because I don’t want to feel uncomfortable. And the only way to fight that discomfort is by getting to know it. How do you get to know it? By facing it, of course. By doing the things you don’t want to do.
Not by exploring your worries in the hopes that it’ll make you feel safer and more courageous. It won’t. But surviving the discomfort you fear will.
Admittedly, I haven’t had ideas for this blog for quite a while. It just sort of sat there and made me feel guilty for not updating it. But now that I see how pointless it is to write about worries to make them go away, I can’t defend the point of the blog anymore. Unless I see another angle to write from, I’ll be ditching this blog completely.
And in a way, that’s a good thing. It means I’m ready to abandon an unproductive habit. If I don’t feel ready to face my fears just yet, at least I’m not fooling myself into thinking I’m facing them when I’m actually just trying to save myself from discomfort – discomfort that it’s best to confront.
I’ll give myself a little time to think of another direction the blog can go. If nothing turns up, I’ll see what I do from there. Maybe I start a new blog, maybe I try to write privately instead. We’ll see.
In any case, I’m done with worry-writing.